A cute joke
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That's quite clever. Make it a thread of jokes. As they say laughter is the best medicine.
northshoregasfitters.info/
northshoregasfitters.info/
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On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
And God saw that it was good.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God again saw that it was good.
On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life: you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed that it was good.
On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.
If you are looking for me, I will be on the front porch!
WOOF WOOF !
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
And God saw that it was good.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God again saw that it was good.
On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life: you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed that it was good.
On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.
If you are looking for me, I will be on the front porch!
WOOF WOOF !
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190 Posts
This is for Coronavirus lockdown:
>> Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.
>> * I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I'm cracking a safe.
>> * I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator.
>> * Still haven't decided where to go for Easter ----- The Living Room or The Bedroom
>> * PSA: every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.
>> * Homeschooling is going well. 2 students suspended for fighting and 1 teacher fired for drinking on the job.
>> * I don't think anyone expected that when we changed the clocks we'd go from Standard Time to the Twilight Zone
>> * This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into my house, told my dog..... we laughed a lot.
>> * Quarantine Day 5: Went to this restaurant called THE KITCHEN. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
>> * My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee it cleans the toilet.
>> * Day 5 of Homeschooling: One of these little monsters called in a bomb threat.
>> * I'm so excited --- it's time to take out the garbage. What should I wear?
>> * I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to Puerto Backyarda. I'm getting tired of Los Livingroom.
>> * Classified Ad: Single man with toilet paper seeks woman with hand sanitizer for good clean fun.
>> * Day 6 of Homeschooling: My child just said "I hope I don't have the same teacher next year".... I'm offended.
>>
>> Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.
>> * I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I'm cracking a safe.
>> * I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator.
>> * Still haven't decided where to go for Easter ----- The Living Room or The Bedroom
>> * PSA: every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.
>> * Homeschooling is going well. 2 students suspended for fighting and 1 teacher fired for drinking on the job.
>> * I don't think anyone expected that when we changed the clocks we'd go from Standard Time to the Twilight Zone
>> * This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into my house, told my dog..... we laughed a lot.
>> * Quarantine Day 5: Went to this restaurant called THE KITCHEN. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
>> * My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee it cleans the toilet.
>> * Day 5 of Homeschooling: One of these little monsters called in a bomb threat.
>> * I'm so excited --- it's time to take out the garbage. What should I wear?
>> * I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to Puerto Backyarda. I'm getting tired of Los Livingroom.
>> * Classified Ad: Single man with toilet paper seeks woman with hand sanitizer for good clean fun.
>> * Day 6 of Homeschooling: My child just said "I hope I don't have the same teacher next year".... I'm offended.
>>
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Funny-this made me laugh. Thanks-will be sharing it with my drywall builders
https://www.justdrywallhamilton.com/drywallinstallation
https://www.justdrywallhamilton.com/drywallinstallation
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Ha ha-this made me laugh-will be sharing it with the drywall contractor Hamilton peeps. Thanks!
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190 Posts
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000. 00
His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer
who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money?
Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about"
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"
The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase,buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house.
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?" The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."
Don't you just love lawyers?
His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer
who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money?
Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about"
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"
The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase,buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house.
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?" The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."
Don't you just love lawyers?
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190 Posts
An elderly couple was flying to Hawaii for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 50th anniversary.
Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives.”
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.
An hour later, the husband turns to his wife and asks, “Honey, did we pay the car bill this month?”
“No, sweetheart” she responds.
Sill shaken from the crash landing, he then asks, “Did we pay our credit card bill yet?”
“Oh no! I’m sorry. I forgot to send the check,” she says.
“One last thing, did you remember to pay the medical bill for the hospital visit last month?” he asks.
“Oh, forgive me, sweetheart,” begged the wife. “I didn’t send that one, either.”
The husband grabs her and gives her the biggest hug in 50 years. She pulls away and asks him, “So, why did you hug me?”
The husband answers, “They’ll find us!”
Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives.”
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.
An hour later, the husband turns to his wife and asks, “Honey, did we pay the car bill this month?”
“No, sweetheart” she responds.
Sill shaken from the crash landing, he then asks, “Did we pay our credit card bill yet?”
“Oh no! I’m sorry. I forgot to send the check,” she says.
“One last thing, did you remember to pay the medical bill for the hospital visit last month?” he asks.
“Oh, forgive me, sweetheart,” begged the wife. “I didn’t send that one, either.”
The husband grabs her and gives her the biggest hug in 50 years. She pulls away and asks him, “So, why did you hug me?”
The husband answers, “They’ll find us!”
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190 Posts
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'
He nearly ***** himself, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'
Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
'Did you say that?' he whispered to the parrot.
'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'
The burglar calmed down. 'Warn me, you think so ? Who in the world are you?'
'Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'
He nearly ***** himself, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'
Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
'Did you say that?' he whispered to the parrot.
'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'
The burglar calmed down. 'Warn me, you think so ? Who in the world are you?'
'Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'
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Man I’ve been very interested in stuff lately
home remodeling
home remodeling
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190 Posts
Patterson’s Butchers, Sheffield, England
Just in case anyone is stressing about Christmas Day, here's my top tip for Christmas Dinner (equally, it could relate to your Thanksgiving as well)...
I have concluded that the inevitable stress of Christmas dinner is created by adverts, supermarkets and TV chefs...
It's a Sunday dinner for goodness sake!!!
The only difference is that you are allowed to open a bottle of wine before you open the kitchen curtains.
We do it quite happily 51 weeks of the year but can we, the consumers, be trusted to manage by ourselves on one day of the year...apparently not!
Here goes:-
1. Turkey... It's a big fecking chicken that's all, 20 minutes per lb plus 20 minutes at 180 degrees - jobs a good 'un! Get yourselves a meat thermometer £3 off the Internet, poke it in the offending bird, if it says 75 degrees or over, its cooked!
2. Stuffing - regardless of what Jamie Oliver (tv chef) says you do NOT need 2lbs of shoulder of pork, onions breadcrumbs, pinenuts and a ***** load of fresh herbs to make stuffing...( no fecking wonder he's bankrupt if that's what he spends to make stuffing!)
What you need is Paxo (Supermarket dried stuffing mix) and a kettle!! If you wanna liven it up, squeeze 3 sausages out of their skins, and mix that in with your Paxo before cooking.
3. Gravy - Jamie Oliver is copping for this one as well....
Bisto Jamie.... All you need is Bisto (supermarket dried gravy, just add water)!
I (nor anyone else I know) has got time on Christmas Eve to ***** about roasting chicken wings and vegetables, adding stock and flour, cooking it for another half hour, mashing it all up with a potato masher, and then straining the whole sorry mess to make gravy.
4. Vegetables... Never mind faffing round shredding sprouts and frying them with bacon and chestnuts to make them more palatable... If you don't like them don't buy and cook the fecking things!! If your family only eat frozen peas, then that's good enough!
5. Roast potatoes... Yes, I par boil mine, then roast them in goose fat, but Aunt Bessie (frozen supermarket potatoes) also does the same.
6. Trimmings /Christmas pudding and the like.... Aldi or Lidl (supermarkets)!
(oh, and while we're on the subject of pudding, if Birds custard (food brand) is what your family likes on the wretched thing then that's fine - you do not need brandy butter/ rum sauce, etc, or anything else that costs a fecking fortune and takes 2 hours to make!)
7. Family....
Children.. Feed the little blighters first separately, if they only want turkey with tomato sauce - fine leave 'em to it, it doesn't matter. Once they are fed, ***** them off to play with their Christmas presents so that YOU can enjoy your dinner in peace!
Adults... Anyone that can manage to get their sorry backside to your dinner table is also capable of helping to serve up/sort the kids out/clear the table/wash up/dry up, etc.
And Finally.....
NO ONE.... And I mean no one, APART FROM THE COOK, IS ALLOWED TO GET ***** AND FALL ASLEEP BEFORE THE WASHING UP IS DONE!!!
Rant over
Merry Christmas!
Cheers from a Yorkshireman. Please note, that 1) I'm not a Yorkshireman, and 2) I'm not a man)
Just in case anyone is stressing about Christmas Day, here's my top tip for Christmas Dinner (equally, it could relate to your Thanksgiving as well)...
I have concluded that the inevitable stress of Christmas dinner is created by adverts, supermarkets and TV chefs...
It's a Sunday dinner for goodness sake!!!
The only difference is that you are allowed to open a bottle of wine before you open the kitchen curtains.
We do it quite happily 51 weeks of the year but can we, the consumers, be trusted to manage by ourselves on one day of the year...apparently not!
Here goes:-
1. Turkey... It's a big fecking chicken that's all, 20 minutes per lb plus 20 minutes at 180 degrees - jobs a good 'un! Get yourselves a meat thermometer £3 off the Internet, poke it in the offending bird, if it says 75 degrees or over, its cooked!
2. Stuffing - regardless of what Jamie Oliver (tv chef) says you do NOT need 2lbs of shoulder of pork, onions breadcrumbs, pinenuts and a ***** load of fresh herbs to make stuffing...( no fecking wonder he's bankrupt if that's what he spends to make stuffing!)
What you need is Paxo (Supermarket dried stuffing mix) and a kettle!! If you wanna liven it up, squeeze 3 sausages out of their skins, and mix that in with your Paxo before cooking.
3. Gravy - Jamie Oliver is copping for this one as well....
Bisto Jamie.... All you need is Bisto (supermarket dried gravy, just add water)!
I (nor anyone else I know) has got time on Christmas Eve to ***** about roasting chicken wings and vegetables, adding stock and flour, cooking it for another half hour, mashing it all up with a potato masher, and then straining the whole sorry mess to make gravy.
4. Vegetables... Never mind faffing round shredding sprouts and frying them with bacon and chestnuts to make them more palatable... If you don't like them don't buy and cook the fecking things!! If your family only eat frozen peas, then that's good enough!
5. Roast potatoes... Yes, I par boil mine, then roast them in goose fat, but Aunt Bessie (frozen supermarket potatoes) also does the same.
6. Trimmings /Christmas pudding and the like.... Aldi or Lidl (supermarkets)!
(oh, and while we're on the subject of pudding, if Birds custard (food brand) is what your family likes on the wretched thing then that's fine - you do not need brandy butter/ rum sauce, etc, or anything else that costs a fecking fortune and takes 2 hours to make!)
7. Family....
Children.. Feed the little blighters first separately, if they only want turkey with tomato sauce - fine leave 'em to it, it doesn't matter. Once they are fed, ***** them off to play with their Christmas presents so that YOU can enjoy your dinner in peace!
Adults... Anyone that can manage to get their sorry backside to your dinner table is also capable of helping to serve up/sort the kids out/clear the table/wash up/dry up, etc.
And Finally.....
NO ONE.... And I mean no one, APART FROM THE COOK, IS ALLOWED TO GET ***** AND FALL ASLEEP BEFORE THE WASHING UP IS DONE!!!
Rant over
Merry Christmas!
Cheers from a Yorkshireman. Please note, that 1) I'm not a Yorkshireman, and 2) I'm not a man)
government is the real mafia extorting members of the public involved in millions of deaths every year. vent cleaner
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190 Posts
6 Points to Ponder as 2020 draws to a close:-
1. The daftest thing I ever bought was a 2020 planner.
2. 2019: Stay away from negative people. 2020: Stay away from positive people.
3. The world has turned upside down. Old folks are sneaking out of the house and their kids are yelling at them to stay indoors!
4. Does anyone know if we can take showers yet or should we just keep washing our hands?
5. I never thought the comment, “I wouldn’t touch him/her with a 6-foot pole” would become a national policy, but here we are!
6. Never in a million years could I have imagined I would go up to a bank teller with a mask on and ask for money.
1. The daftest thing I ever bought was a 2020 planner.
2. 2019: Stay away from negative people. 2020: Stay away from positive people.
3. The world has turned upside down. Old folks are sneaking out of the house and their kids are yelling at them to stay indoors!
4. Does anyone know if we can take showers yet or should we just keep washing our hands?
5. I never thought the comment, “I wouldn’t touch him/her with a 6-foot pole” would become a national policy, but here we are!
6. Never in a million years could I have imagined I would go up to a bank teller with a mask on and ask for money.
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190 Posts
HOMESCHOOLING SCHEDULE
9:00 Horticulture: Learn how to make me a cuppa
10:00 Engineering: Learn how to operate washing machine and hoover
11:00 PE: Take the rubbish out
1:00 Chemistry: How to bleach the bathroom
2:00 Geography: Learn where the items thrown around the bedroom actually belong
3:00 Horticulture: Chopping veg
4:00 Science: Learn how hot water and washing up liquid removes grease from pans
5:00 After school club: Go to room with iPad and be quiet
9:00 Horticulture: Learn how to make me a cuppa
10:00 Engineering: Learn how to operate washing machine and hoover
11:00 PE: Take the rubbish out
1:00 Chemistry: How to bleach the bathroom
2:00 Geography: Learn where the items thrown around the bedroom actually belong
3:00 Horticulture: Chopping veg
4:00 Science: Learn how hot water and washing up liquid removes grease from pans
5:00 After school club: Go to room with iPad and be quiet
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190 Posts
A German lorry driver in a pub in Newcastle is gobbing off how lazy British truck drivers are. He's bragging that he drives his load from Hamburg, goes through Holland, Belgium up to Newcastle and back to Hamburg in just two days.
This old Geordie man mutters up, "Ah, way ay I used to pickup me load in Newcastle, drop off in Hamburg and be back in Newcastle for a fish and chip supper the same day".The gobby German trucker said, " Oh yah, vot rig were you driving then?"
After taking long swig of his Pint of Newcastle Brown, the old fella replied "It was a Lancaster bomber."
This old Geordie man mutters up, "Ah, way ay I used to pickup me load in Newcastle, drop off in Hamburg and be back in Newcastle for a fish and chip supper the same day".The gobby German trucker said, " Oh yah, vot rig were you driving then?"
After taking long swig of his Pint of Newcastle Brown, the old fella replied "It was a Lancaster bomber."
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190 Posts
FIRST DAY AS A PILOT…
Control Tower: Can you give me your position?
Me: I’m next to a cloud that looks like a lion
Control Tower: Can you be more specific?
Me: Simba
Control Tower: Can you give me your position?
Me: I’m next to a cloud that looks like a lion
Control Tower: Can you be more specific?
Me: Simba
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190 Posts
Does anyone know for how long you have to cook boil in the bag fish... You don’t get any instructions from the funfair...
I ate lots of Kinder Eggs today...
I’m full of surprises...
The teacher said I could take the class hamster home for the school holidays... Well here I am in South America...
I ate lots of Kinder Eggs today...
I’m full of surprises...
The teacher said I could take the class hamster home for the school holidays... Well here I am in South America...
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190 Posts
For all the people queuing for McDonalds.
I was at the McDonald’s drive-through this morning and a young lady behind me leaned on her horn and started mouthing something because I was taking too long to place my order. So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own. The McDonalds worker must have told her what I'd done, As soon as i moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed.... "Thank you." obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with kindness. When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took her food too. Now she has to go back to the end of the queue and start all over again,
DON'T blow your horn and get rude! Be patient.
I was at the McDonald’s drive-through this morning and a young lady behind me leaned on her horn and started mouthing something because I was taking too long to place my order. So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own. The McDonalds worker must have told her what I'd done, As soon as i moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed.... "Thank you." obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with kindness. When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took her food too. Now she has to go back to the end of the queue and start all over again,
DON'T blow your horn and get rude! Be patient.
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Thank you for making my day better, really busy with my work at fence repair katy tx
that's a good one chantilly tow ruck
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