Camper Community Forums banner

1 - 20 of 41 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
20 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Where am I?
Where I Have and Have Not Been


I have been in many places but never have been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go there alone; you have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I have also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have never been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there.

I have been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

And more and more I think of the Here After. In fact, several times a day I enter a room and think "What am I here after?"
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
971 Posts
This is no joke, but it's very clever. :)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
86 Posts
Love that! I find myself in the Here After mode a lot!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
190 Posts
Brilliant. Wouldn't be great if there was a section for jokes only! So if you're in "depression", you can laugh yourself silly and feel a lot better:)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
190 Posts
One day a man decided to retire.

He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks,” Where did you come from? How did you get here?"


She replies,
"I rowed round from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman.” I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman,
"On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row round to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour." So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.

While the woman ties up the row boat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Please sit down."

"Would you like a drink?"
"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"Oh it's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"



When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. When was the last time you played around? She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing.” You mean. .." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,

!
!
!
!

!
!
!
"You've built a Golf Course too?"
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
190 Posts
Here's another one for the Christmas spirit, which I think you will enjoy and have a laugh


Political correctness with a laugh - enjoy and a Merry Christmas everyone:


WHILE SHEPHERDS WATCHED
“While shepherds watched their flocks by night
All seated on the ground,
The Angel of the Lord came down,
And Glory shone around.”


The Union of Shepherds has complained that it breaches Health and Safety Regulations to insist the shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided. Therefore, benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs must be available. Shepherds have also requested that, due to inclement weather they should watch their flocks via CCTV cameras behind centrally heated shepherd observation huts. The Angel of the Lord is reminded that before shining his/her Glory all around, the shepherds must be issued with glasses capable of filtering out any harmful effects of UVA, UVB and Glory lighting.


LITTLE DONKEY
“Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road,
Got to keep on plodding onwards, with your precious load.”


The RSPCA has issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry. Also in the guidelines are permitted feeding breaks, and at least one rest break in a four-hour plodding period. Due to the risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary & Joseph are required to wear face masks. The ‘Little Donkey’ has expressed his discomfort as being labelled ‘Little’ and would prefer to being simply referred to as ‘Mr Donkey’. Comments upon his height or otherwise are considered to be a breach of his equine rights.


WE THREE KINGS
“We three Kings of Orient are,
Bearing gifts we traverse afar, Field and fountain, Moor and Mountain, Following yonder star. ”


Whilst the gift of Gold is still considered acceptable – as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations as ‘Cash4Gold’ etc – gifts of Frankincense and Myrrh are not appropriate due to the risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. An acceptable alternative might be a gift voucher. It is not recommended that traversing Kings should rely on star navigation, and would advise the use of AA Routefinder or Sat Nav. Both can provide the quickest route and advise on fuel consumption. As in the case of Mr Donkey, the three camels require regular rest and food breaks and facemasks for the three Kings are obligatory due to the likelihood of desert dust disturbed by the camel hooves.


THE ROCKING CAROL
“Little Jesus sweetly sleep, do not stir,
We will lend a coat of fur,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you, We will rock you, rock you, rock you, ”


Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants due to the risk of allergy and for ethical reasons. Therefore, false fur, a cellular blanket or, perhaps, micro-fleece material should be considered alternatives. Please note that, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records (CRB) bureau check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock Baby Jesus. Persons must carry their CRB disclosure at all times and be prepared to provide three forms of identification before any rocking commences.


JINGLE BELLS
“Dashing through the snow on a one-horse open sleigh,
Over fields we go – laughing all the way. ”


A Risk Assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to ride. The Risk Assessment should also consider whether the use on only one horse in appropriate – particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Permission from landowners must be gained before entering any ‘Open Fields’. To avoid offending those not participating in the venture, it is required that only ‘moderate’ laughter is used and not at a noise level likely to be of nuisance to others.


RUDOLPH THE RED NOSED REINDEER
“Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer, had a very shiny nose,
And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glows, All of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names, They never let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games. ”


You are advised that, under the Equal Opportunities Policy, it is inappropriate for persons to make comment upon the ruddiness of Mr R Reindeer. Name-calling contravenes our Anti-Bullying policy, and further to this, the exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from any reindeer games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against anyone found guilty of this offence. A full investigation will be implemented, leading to imposing sanctions such as a ban from hanging up stockings or enjoying Christmas dinner.


AWAY IN A MANGER
“Away in a manger – no crib for a bed … ”


Refer to Social Services immediately


[RSPCA - Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals]
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
190 Posts
A blonde walks into a bank in London and asks to see the manager. She says she's going to Hong Kong on business for two weeks and needs to borrow £5,000.


The manager says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Ferrari.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.


The manager and the tellers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a £200,000 Ferrari as collateral against a £5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the £5,000 and the interest, which comes to £17.41.


The manager says, 'Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.


While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a millionairess. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow £5,000?'


The blonde replies...'Where else in central London can I park my car for two weeks for only £17.41 and expect it to be there when I return?'


Hooray!
A smart blonde joke at last!!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
190 Posts
To me ajjustin, anything that you can either smile or laugh at can be a joke. All jokes doesn't have to have a pun attached to it
 
1 - 20 of 41 Posts
Top