A cute joke

[Babstreefern]

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000. 00

His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer
who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money?

Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about"

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"

The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase,buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house.

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?" The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

Don't you just love lawyers?

[saeed22]

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[Babstreefern]

An elderly couple was flying to Hawaii for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 50th anniversary.

Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives.”

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.

An hour later, the husband turns to his wife and asks, “Honey, did we pay the car bill this month?”

“No, sweetheart” she responds.

Sill shaken from the crash landing, he then asks, “Did we pay our credit card bill yet?”

“Oh no! I’m sorry. I forgot to send the check,” she says.

“One last thing, did you remember to pay the medical bill for the hospital visit last month?” he asks.

“Oh, forgive me, sweetheart,” begged the wife. “I didn’t send that one, either.”

The husband grabs her and gives her the biggest hug in 50 years. She pulls away and asks him, “So, why did you hug me?”

The husband answers, “They’ll find us!”

[Magura]

Really pretty cute!

[Babstreefern]

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly ***** himself, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'

Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he whispered to the parrot.

'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'

The burglar calmed down. 'Warn me, you think so ? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

[williammayor]

Man I’ve been very interested in stuff lately
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[Babstreefern]

Patterson’s Butchers, Sheffield, England

Just in case anyone is stressing about Christmas Day, here's my top tip for Christmas Dinner (equally, it could relate to your Thanksgiving as well)...

I have concluded that the inevitable stress of Christmas dinner is created by adverts, supermarkets and TV chefs...

It's a Sunday dinner for goodness sake!!!

The only difference is that you are allowed to open a bottle of wine before you open the kitchen curtains.

We do it quite happily 51 weeks of the year but can we, the consumers, be trusted to manage by ourselves on one day of the year...apparently not!

Here goes:-

1. Turkey... It's a big fecking chicken that's all, 20 minutes per lb plus 20 minutes at 180 degrees - jobs a good 'un! Get yourselves a meat thermometer £3 off the Internet, poke it in the offending bird, if it says 75 degrees or over, its cooked!

2. Stuffing - regardless of what Jamie Oliver (tv chef) says you do NOT need 2lbs of shoulder of pork, onions breadcrumbs, pinenuts and a ***** load of fresh herbs to make stuffing...( no fecking wonder he's bankrupt if that's what he spends to make stuffing!)

What you need is Paxo (Supermarket dried stuffing mix) and a kettle!! If you wanna liven it up, squeeze 3 sausages out of their skins, and mix that in with your Paxo before cooking.

3. Gravy - Jamie Oliver is copping for this one as well....

Bisto Jamie.... All you need is Bisto (supermarket dried gravy, just add water)!
I (nor anyone else I know) has got time on Christmas Eve to ***** about roasting chicken wings and vegetables, adding stock and flour, cooking it for another half hour, mashing it all up with a potato masher, and then straining the whole sorry mess to make gravy.

4. Vegetables... Never mind faffing round shredding sprouts and frying them with bacon and chestnuts to make them more palatable... If you don't like them don't buy and cook the fecking things!! If your family only eat frozen peas, then that's good enough!

5. Roast potatoes... Yes, I par boil mine, then roast them in goose fat, but Aunt Bessie (frozen supermarket potatoes) also does the same.

6. Trimmings /Christmas pudding and the like.... Aldi or Lidl (supermarkets)!
(oh, and while we're on the subject of pudding, if Birds custard (food brand) is what your family likes on the wretched thing then that's fine - you do not need brandy butter/ rum sauce, etc, or anything else that costs a fecking fortune and takes 2 hours to make!)

7. Family....
Children.. Feed the little blighters first separately, if they only want turkey with tomato sauce - fine leave 'em to it, it doesn't matter. Once they are fed, ***** them off to play with their Christmas presents so that YOU can enjoy your dinner in peace!

Adults... Anyone that can manage to get their sorry backside to your dinner table is also capable of helping to serve up/sort the kids out/clear the table/wash up/dry up, etc.

And Finally.....
NO ONE.... And I mean no one, APART FROM THE COOK, IS ALLOWED TO GET ***** AND FALL ASLEEP BEFORE THE WASHING UP IS DONE!!!

Rant over

Merry Christmas!

Cheers from a Yorkshireman. Please note, that 1) I'm not a Yorkshireman, and 2) I'm not a man)

[idasanka]

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[idasanka]

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[fredohara]

government is the real mafia extorting members of the public involved in millions of deaths every year. vent cleaner

[ampva200]

Reading these jokes lighten up my tiredness in doing gutters. I'm still planning my camping adventures especially my do's and don'ts'.

[Babstreefern]

6 Points to Ponder as 2020 draws to a close:-

1. The daftest thing I ever bought was a 2020 planner.
2. 2019: Stay away from negative people. 2020: Stay away from positive people.
3. The world has turned upside down. Old folks are sneaking out of the house and their kids are yelling at them to stay indoors!
4. Does anyone know if we can take showers yet or should we just keep washing our hands?
5. I never thought the comment, “I wouldn’t touch him/her with a 6-foot pole” would become a national policy, but here we are!
6. Never in a million years could I have imagined I would go up to a bank teller with a mask on and ask for money.

[Babstreefern]

HOMESCHOOLING SCHEDULE

9:00 Horticulture: Learn how to make me a cuppa
10:00 Engineering: Learn how to operate washing machine and hoover
11:00 PE: Take the rubbish out
1:00 Chemistry: How to bleach the bathroom
2:00 Geography: Learn where the items thrown around the bedroom actually belong
3:00 Horticulture: Chopping veg
4:00 Science: Learn how hot water and washing up liquid removes grease from pans
5:00 After school club: Go to room with iPad and be quiet

[stevenbrockman]

Congratulations on the cute jokes I am your unconditional fan. professional carpet cleaner

[Babstreefern]

A German lorry driver in a pub in Newcastle is gobbing off how lazy British truck drivers are. He's bragging that he drives his load from Hamburg, goes through Holland, Belgium up to Newcastle and back to Hamburg in just two days.

This old Geordie man mutters up, "Ah, way ay I used to pickup me load in Newcastle, drop off in Hamburg and be back in Newcastle for a fish and chip supper the same day".The gobby German trucker said, " Oh yah, vot rig were you driving then?"

After taking long swig of his Pint of Newcastle Brown, the old fella replied "It was a Lancaster bomber."